Dear author of whatever I've critiqued of yours,

I'm sorry for assuming that you understood what criticism was. I should have taken the extra time to include a little disclaimer on all of my reviews that I'm going to be pointing out flaws and ways you could fix them instead of fawning over how awesome your pasta, story or thirty-page-max book was.

I'm sorry for giving my honest, unfiltered opinions and thoughts. Obviously, sugarcoating the truth and telling you you did an amazing job is much more helpful to you than just telling you what you did wrong and expecting you to clean up after yourself. No, writing is all about throwing down how you feel and expecting to get nice comments on every site you post on, just like an endless popularity contest. Because after all, popularity and quality are completely inclusive to each other.

I'm sorry for assuming you actually knew how to write. It was inconsiderate of me to assume you knew how to properly spell, punctuate, and space your story, because it's far too much work to run it through Microsoft Word or, heaven forbid, learning how to check your work on your own.

I'm sorry for thinking that because you were so popular and had so many hundreds or thousands of people leaving one-word comments on your story, you at least knew the basics of story- and novel-writing. After all, a story doesn't need to make logical sense, have any sort of character depth or individuality or even have a cohesive plot at all, that's just too hard for an aspiring author! I should cut you some slack. I'm expecting way too much from someone who proudly displays their top-ranked stories in numerous generes loud and clear on their page.

But most of all, I apologize for being critical. I'm sorry for taking time out of my day to read through your story and spell out every flaw I could find with it. I obviously don't ever include any advice on how to improve or fix these flaws, and I do this just because I hate you and want you to feel bad about yourself.

Don't worry, this is only temporary. Once you close this tab or go to another page, my message is gone and you'll be back to never being criticized for anything you write again, because having a legion of rabid fans on a literature site is definitely a solid indication that you have the potential to be a published author!

Make sure that you take every word of my reviews as gospel, by the way. After all, I am the undisputed master of criticism across all lit websites through the net and have been writing reviews since the day I was born, so be sure to make yourself think that one person disliking your story could ruin your good reputation. Not just me- no, everyone who leaves a less-than-glowing comment on any of your work is automatically out to get you, so make sure to not only promptly block them but then proceed to leave a post indirectly addressing them where your fans can gather and trash talk someone they'd never heard of before today. After all, we're just malicious bullies with nothing better to do with our lives than destroy every aspiring writer's self-esteem with our truly vicious and hateful remarks disguised as honest criticism. And your crusade to label us as such will not go unnoticed by your rabid fanbase.